


everywhere I go leads me back to you

by harlotstarlet



Series: hard feelings [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Lesbian AU, kinda sad maybe??, not as sad as the others in the series tho, tw underage drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:36:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26943790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harlotstarlet/pseuds/harlotstarlet
Summary: Another six months comes and goes.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: hard feelings [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780825
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	everywhere I go leads me back to you

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'i miss you, i'm sorry' by gracie abrams

Another six months came and went. Jackie finished her first year of college, 4.0 like she’d hoped, and grew accustomed to the bitter winter and sticky summer of New York City. Now here she was, getting ready for her second year in just a week. It had all felt a little surreal, like a lucid dream or something. She was happy, she could say that. Still, she felt like a part of her was missing but she also knew it would get better over time. Even just six months earlier, the pain was still fresh, like she had a wound that would break open every morning as she stepped cold feet onto even colder hardwood. But Jackie was okay now. She was. She would be more okay in the future, that she knew. 

On the Friday before school started, Jackie was ready to curl up on the couch with a book and the cat she rescued months prior when her phone lit up with a call from her friend, Nicky.

“Hello?” she answered tentatively, knowing the girl on the other line was more than likely up to something. 

“Jackie!” she squealed, followed by laughter in the background. “Be ready in half an hour, we’re going to a party!”

Jackie frowned. “I don’t know, Nicks, I’m pretty beat. Maybe another weekend?”

Nicky audibly groaned. “Come on, bitch! Don’t be so boring, you’re only gonna be this young tonight.”

Jackie couldn’t help but crack a smile, even as she rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine, but you better not puke in my bag again.”

“Ugh,” Nicky groaned, “it was one time! You’re never gonna live that one down, will you?”

She laughed softly. “Nope, never.”

“Whatever, just get ready, Brita will pick you up in half an hour, Okay? Okay! Bye, love you, and wear something hot!”

The line went dead silent as Nicky hung up, leaving Jackie to her thoughts.

“So much for our girls night in, huh?” She says to the cat that trotted behind her into her bedroom.

As punctual as ever, Jackie stood in the stairwell to her apartment half an hour later, dressed in a short black dress awaiting the text from her friends that they’d arrived.

She’d only waited a moment before she heard the loud laughter of her friends accompanied by the even louder music that blared from Brita’s convertible. 

The girls whistle as she approaches the car, squeezing herself in the back with three others, two of which she didn’t know. 

Everyone giggles and chatters on the way to the party while Jackie focuses on the beat of the song, losing herself in her thoughts so much so that Nicky’s snapping her fingers in front of her face when they arrive and Jackie’s still planted in the backseat.

“Are you okay?” Nicky asks, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as they walk up the steps together.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a lot on my mind, I guess.”

Nicky raises a perfect eyebrow, but shrugs, never being the type to pry. “Let’s go get drunk then.”

As quick as she had been to hang up the phone earlier, Nicky is off doing god knows what, leaving the brunette to her own devices.

For a while, everything is good. She dances with some girls from her bio class last semester while nursing some fruity drink that she’s sure was more juice than alcohol. She wasn’t big on getting shitfaced anyways. 

When she got tired of dancing, she makes her way out to one of the only empty balconies and sits, her legs dangling over the edge. Warm summer breeze tousles her hair and she takes a deep breath, letting the little bit of alcohol in her body make everything seem a little fuzzy.

She’s not sure how long she’s been out there before Nicky crashes her party of one, reeking of fruit juice and vodka.

“Jackie,” she slurs, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, I need your help.”

Nicky sloppily plops herself down next to Jackie, a heavy hand on her shoulder. “How sober are you?”

“Uh-pretty sober, I guess. Why? What did you do?”

“Me? I did nothing, I met someone and she-”

“Nicky, I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to be taking anyone home,” Jackie says, an eyebrow raised.

“No, no, it’s not like that. She seems sweet, but, she’s crying!”

Nicky’s words are almost indiscernible as she gets more worked up rambling about some drunk girl crying at a party. 

“Do you know her?”

Nicky shakes her head. “Apparently she’s a freshman from Julliard, I don’t know. I didn’t see anything happen, I just found her sitting on the floor by herself.”

Jackie nods slowly, a picture now coming to her head. At every party there was always a freshman or two who got in over their head at their first college party.

“Okay, so, what do I have to do with this then?

“Go be the mom friend she needs,” Nicky whines.

“I don’t even know this girl, and you want me to go console her?

Nicky’s glazed over eyes lit up. “Yes, exactly, thank you! You’re the best!”

Jackie has no time to protest before Nicky is yanking her up by the wrist and dragging her through the house.

She drags her over to the very furthest corner of the living room and shoves her toward a sniffling blonde girl with her head in between her knees.

Jackie sighs, looking back at Nicky who urges her on, before setting a delicate hand on the girl’s shoulder. 

“Hey, um, are you okay?”

The girl lifts her head and tearful blue eyes meet Jackie’s. 

“Oh my god,” Jackie whispers.

“Jackie?” Jan says back, her voice breaking.

“Yeah, um, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was you, my friend just told me she found a girl crying and she felt bad and I’m sober so she thought maybe I could help? I don’t even know-”

Jan tenses up slightly, her defenses flaring up. “Are you saying you wouldn’t have come over here if you knew it was me?”

“What? No, of course that’s not true. I just-fuck, I’m sorry. I’m just surprised to see you here is all,” Jackie admits, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

Jan cracks a smile. “I’m surprised to see you here too. I didn’t think parties would be your thing.”

“Yeah, well, considering I’m about the only person here that’s sober, your assumption would be correct,” Jackie says through an awkward chuckle. “But seriously, are you okay?

Jan shrugs. “I don’t know,” she admits, her voice cracking.

“Okay, it’s okay. Who did you come here with?”

“My roommate. Her name’s Lemon or something, we just met yesterday and she brought me here and immediately dipped. I think she left and-and she knew I accidentally left my keys back in the dorm, so I have no idea how I’m gonna get home.”

Jan’s eyes well up again and Jackie pulls her close, just like they used to. Except for this time she immediately lets go. “I’m s-sorry,” she stutters.

“It’s okay,” Jan brushes the sentiment off,” I would’ve done the same. I just don’t know how I’m gonna get home.”

“Don’t the dorm front desks have extra keys? I could borrow my friend’s car and bring you there?”

Jan shakes her head. “The front desk closes at midnight and it’s already 12:30.”

“Okay,” she ponders for a moment before speaking up again, “I’m sorry if this is overstepping but I can’t think of anything else and I don’t just wanna leave you here, but we could go back to mine? I can sleep on the couch and you can have the bed?”

Jan nods, sniffling. “You don’t have to do this, Jacks.”

Something tugs in Jackie’s chest, but still she persists. “I really can’t just leave you here, Jan.”

“Okay,” Jan says quietly, standing up alongside Jackie, swaying into her side as all the alcohol made it hard to stand up straight.

Reluctantly, Jackie wraps an arm around Jan’s waist, keeping her from falling but it doesn’t keep away the images of all the times they’d walked around their small town just like this, Jackie’s arm wrapped around Jan, keeping her safe and close. 

Jackie’s completely sober by now but her head spins as Jan grips onto her for dear life and then leans against her in the cab ride back to her apartment. Maybe if she closes her eyes hard enough she would wake up and realize this was all a dream. Though, she wasn't sure if it was a dream come true or a nightmare. On one hand, she had Jan wrapped around her as if they had never parted ways in the first place and then on the other hand, last time she was this close to Jan they had woken up together and then Jan had informed her that she didn’t love her anymore. And Jackie wasn’t sure she could handle the same conversation twice, especially knowing that she had barely moved on herself. But Jan had experiences before Jackie and now apparently after, so it made sense that she’d move on faster. Jan was Jackie’s first everything. Her first kiss, her first time, her first love.

Jackie’s snapped from her thoughts when Jan pokes her side.

“I think we’re here,” she says softly.

Sure enough, the car has stopped moving and the driver is staring back at her expectantly.

“Right-um, sorry,” she apologizes, handing the driver a twenty and telling him to keep the change as she ushers herself and Jan out of the car.

Jan never breaks physical contact with her, leaning into her as they walked to the elevator. In the elevator, Jan wraps both arms around Jackie’s waist and nuzzles her head against her chest. Jackie draws in a breath and focuses on her breathing until Jan pulls away when the doors open and Jackie’s leading her to the door.

As soon as Jackie opens the door, Jan makes herself at home like she belonged there. She kicked off her heels and flopped down on the couch, her blonde hair draped over the armrest. It hits Jackie all at once, what’s happening. When they were together in high school, Jackie preferred to be over Jan’s instead of having her over because of her overbearing parents; who were less than happy that their only daughter was smitten with another girl. So, to have Jan here now, no overbearing parents in sight made Jackie feel a lot at once. First, warmth. Then, dread. Jan seemed to fit in so well with all of her belongings, like she really did belong there, like the space was just as much hers as it was Jackie’s. The dread came in when her mind filtered out their sweetest moments with Jan’s cold eyes as she ended the possibility of them having a future in one another.

“So-um, do you wanna take a shower or something?” Jackie asked, nervously hovering near the couch where Jan had sprawled out.

“Yeah, that sounds nice, do you have any clothes I can borrow?”

“Of course, here follow me.”

Jan follows behind her like a puppy as she shows her to the bathroom and comes back with old shorts and a t-shirt for her to wear.

“Use whatever you like. It’s all mine since my roommate is studying abroad for the semester.”

Jan nods and smiles sheepishly. “Thanks.”

“It’s not a problem,” Jackie says with a forced smile as she attempts to leave the room before Jan is grabbing her wrist.

“Wait-can you help me with something real quick?”

“Uh-sure, what is it?”

Jan turns so she’s facing away from Jackie and sweeps her hair to the side. “Can you unzip me?”

Swallowing hard, Jackie agrees. Delicate fingertips undo the dress’ hook and Jackie tries not to cry as she undoes the zip all the way down Jan’s back, fingertips desperately wanting to brush against the milky skin. It was almost reminiscent of their first time, the delicacy of the movements, and the fear that one wrong word or touch could shatter the bubble they hid themselves in. Except this time after Jackie had unzipped her dress, Jan didn’t do the same to her, instead, Jackie wordlessly turned away and out of the room with unshed tears in her eyes. And instead of hushed giggles and sweet kisses as they moved in tune with one another, Jackie goes to the kitchen alone to make some tea.

She busies herself steeping tea bags into boiled water until soft footfalls are heard padding into the kitchen.

“I made tea if you want some,” Jackie suggests awkwardly before Jan even had the chance to say anything, “I made you lavender, if you still like that stuff.”

Jan takes the mug from her, inhaling the scent of it and sighing contently. “Thanks. And also thanks for letting me shower. I feel a lot better. I’m gonna try to see if somehow I can get back home so I don’t bother you anymore.”

“No!” Jackie spits out involuntarily, immediately regretting it. “I mean-uh-you don’t have to, really. I don’t mind taking the couch for tonight.”

Jan sighs, setting the mug down on the counter. “I can’t make you sleep on the couch in your own apartment. I’ll take the couch.”

“I really don’t mind,” Jackie assures her.

Jan chuckles softly. “Still always putting others before yourself I see.”

“I guess so,” Jackie replies with a shrug.

“You deserve that, you know.”

Jackie’s breath stopped momentarily as Jan took a step toward her. “What do I deserve?”

“You deserve to put yourself first. I mean it.”

The blonde reaches up and twirls one of Jackie’s dark curls around her index finger “Jan, I-”

“I lied to you,” Jan suddenly blurts out, quickly clapping a hand over her mouth and stepping back away.

Jackie, taken aback, raises an eyebrow. “Okay then.”

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean I just lied to you right now about putting yourself first. I’m talking about before, when I said I moved on.”

“Oh,” Jackie states plainly, her heart hammering in her chest, “so you just told me you were seeing someone else so that I would leave you alone?”

“No,” Jan groans, “I mean, kinda? It’s not that I  _ wanted  _ you to leave me alone, I just thought it was for the best. I did it for you. You seemed so upset that night and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself and I couldn’t bear to think that you felt that way all the time, so I thought maybe you just needed a little push in the right direction. I’m sorry, I just-I never stopped loving you, Jackie. I’m so-”

Hands shaking slightly, Jackie steps forward, a tentative hand on Jan’s waist that made the blonde stop rambling. 

“Jacks, what are you-?”

Taking another step forward and placing a hand on the side of her jaw, Jackie leans forward and Jan meets her halfway. When their lips touch for the first time in a year, sparks don’t fly like they’re in a movie, but instead, a calming peace washes over both of them and both of them feel at home, more so than either has felt in the past year.

Jackie is the first to pull away, Jan chasing her lips in another quick peck before burying herself in the brunette’s arms. “I’m not sure if that was clear enough or not, but I never stopped loving you either,” Jackie admits, blissfully. 

“You’re like home to me,” Jan whispers back as Jackie strokes the back of her head.

They stay that way for a while, gently rocking back and forth, dancing to the sounds of the city outside Jackie’s open window. They only pull apart when Jan yawns softly into Jackie’s shoulder.

“Are you tired?”

Jan nods, rubbing at her sleepy eyes with closed fists like a child.

“I know we obviously have a lot to talk about in the morning but can I sleep in bed with you?” Jan asks quietly.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Jan follows Jackie into the bedroom connected by hands that refused to part from one another. 

They climb into bed, one after the other, and find each other as if they had never been lost. Jan lays with her head on Jackie’s chest and Jackie holds her close, for the first time in a year both of them drift off to sleep easily, nothing heavy weighing them down. There was a lot left unsaid, but for now, everything was right again. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @/honeyhytes :)


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